This one's a little for me, but mostly not....

Yet another fabulous quote from the aforementioned book:

"Not to move forward, to stay where we are, to regress, in other words to rely on what we have, is very tempting, for what we have, we know; we can hold onto it, feel secure in it. We fear, and consequently, avoid, taking a step into the unknown, the uncertain; for, indeed, while the step may not appear risky to us after we have taken it, before we take that step the new aspects beyond it appear very risky, and hence frightening. Only the old, the tried, is safe; or so it seems. Every new step contains the danger of failure, and that is one of the reasons people are so afraid of freedom."

Erich Fromm, "To Have or to Be."

Do not let fear hold you back from the changes that need to be made or the dreams that need to be chased. Walk in the direction of where you want to be. Do not let the chains of yesterday drag you back into what you already know. It seems comfortable only because you already know it, not because it is what is healthy or right. Let go of what you know; you cannot possess it. Life is fullest as we walk in a way where our focus is on the experience, not the security. Step even if you fear; being stagnant is worse the failing at forward motion.

You will be victorious. You will find joy again. Life will grow and change; it will not always be like today.

Post-It Note Reminder to the Unforseen Future

I am in the process of re-reading a book that was a text for my Psychology of Religion class. (Super interesting class, by the way...) It is called "To Have or To Be" and is written by Eric Fromm, a prominent sociologist and psychoanalyst in the 1900's. The book is more or less a manifesto against a sick society that constantly consumes or "has" rather than simply experiencing or "being." It branches into many different aspects of life, comparing a "having mode" to a "being mode."

It is by far one of the best books I have ever read, and I recommend it to anyone.

This being said, I read an excerpt today that I want to remember. Now, I am not married. I am not even in a relationship. But I hope that someday I am fortunate enough to meet someone who wants to be my partner throughout life, somebody who wants to experience adventures with me. I also want to make that relationship something special, something protected.. I want to beat the odds. (I can't help it. I'm an idealist.)

"During courtship neither person is yet sure of the other, but each tries to win the other. Both are alive, attractive, interesting, even beautiful- inasmuch as aliveness always makes a face beautiful. Neither yet has the other; hence each one's energy is directed to being, i.e. to giving and stimulating the other. With the act of marriage the situation frequently changes fundamentally. The marriage contract gives each partner the exclusive possession of the others body, feelings, and care. Nobody has to be won over any more, because love has become something one has, a property. The two cease to make the effort to be lovable and to produce love, hence they become boring, and hence their beauty disappears. They are disappointed and puzzled. Are they not the same persons anymore? Did they make a mistake in the first place? Each usually seeks the cause of the change in the other and feels defrauded. What they do not see is that they no longer are the same people they were when they were in love with each other; that the error that one can have love has led them to cease loving. now, instead of loving each other, they settle for owning together what they have: money, social standing, a home, children. Thus, in some cases, the marriage initiated on the basis of love becomes transformed into a friendly ownership, a corporation in which the two egotism are pooled into one; that of the "family."

I like this. I want to remember this as I begin a relationship. And if (when) I begin a relationship that actually continues, I want to continue to practice it. It's probably not going to be an end all solution to all road bumps that come with relationships, but I would venture to say that it might make my relationships something beautiful.

Or maybe I'm just an idealist. :)

Roller Coaster

I thought I knew what I wanted.

No, scratch that. I thought I knew what I needed. I thought I knew what it would look like as well. So, when it came along, I was so excited. The kind of excitement that keeps you up all night, simply because you feel like it might be too good to be true. I had the stupidest grin on my face for days; I was invincible. Nothing could, or would, touch me. I had no control; life was just flowing, plummeting forward, taking me a long for a joyride.

So when it was gone, I was devastated. I had been caught on that high, and honestly, I didn't think that it was going to go away so quickly. It definitely shook me for a few days... and I realized that I was officially emotionally mature when I could still function in my work and relationships even though I was sad.

Now the emotion has moved to a small corner of my stomach. It sits there and burns a little.. but mostly, only when I think about it all. What surprises me the most is that my idea of what I want/need/whatever has changed with this. I have so much more hope than I did before, and dare I say, more patience. (I don't want to wait, but I'm much more willing). Instead of being pushed back, I feel that I am still being propelled forward, into the future, into bigger and better things. I'm interacting with the idea of making a home and community for myself in my very hometown. I'm slightly more positive that I might be an attractive, interesting individual that people want to be around.

I didn't think that rejection (I don't like that word; it doesn't feel like it applies... It's so harsh... But I can't think of a better word right now.... I digress...)

I didn't think that rejection was supposed to work like this. Every time before, I regress into poor habits and negative thinking that counseling was supposed to eradicate from my life. But this time, that isn't happening. Maybe I'm stronger. Or maybe, like my friend Danny was quick to point out, this was supposed to happen for a reason, for me. There has been so much change within me in such a short period of time.

I find it all very interesting.. and I am very excited to see what the future holds.

It's like when mom spent all day cooking dinner and then we complained about the food....

My adorable ninth grade students are fast at work, completing their test much faster than I expected (unfortunately). As I scan the room, I see his face, staring at me, willing me to notice him.
His large, brown eyes hold a vacancy that is more vast than Niagara Falls. His mouth hangs open like a mentally challenged golden retriever.
Then those infamous words come out of his mouth.

"What is a predicate?!"

What is a predicate?! WHAT IS A PREDICATE?!

I have spend the last two weeks describing various grammar principles. You have taken notes, asked me questions, completed worksheets, and practiced sentences in class.
THIS IS AN OPEN NOTE TEST FOR GOD'S SAKE.
And you have the audacity to ask me what a predicate is.

It is at this point that I think you are an idiot.

There goes my "Compassionate Teacher Award of the Year."
I think I made baby Jesus cry.

If I keep writing crap like this, I might as well start listening to Emo

I lack all inspiration.

Feeling devoid of value, unaware of any beauty, unnoticed at every angle.

I do not know how to escape this strange, twisted place where my mind has made it's home. But I do know that I am frustrated.

I know there is more, but I do not see it. And I am missing it....

Ostrich in Hibernation

It is a slow process to pull my head out of the sand... it is incredibly difficult to peel myself away from this ivory tower and to be exposed to dirty truth. I don't know what it is... I don't know what I need to learn... I stuck my toe out long enough- I peeked- and I saw enough to know that going back would be a sin of omission.

And now, I feel like everything I touch must have hidden bloodstains on it. I know there is injustice. I know there is pain. I know there is drastic need for change. Yet to me, it is vague. I am safe from it in my little suburban, middle class bubble. It's like an underlying, pulsing energy of death that flows under a facade of comfort.

Yet anytime I try to learn, anytime I try to understand, I am so overwhelmed with shame, guilt, misunderstanding, and lack of direction that I am immobilized. there is so much.... there is too much.... there is blood on my hands, blood in my mouth, blood on my body, all over my home!

I didn't know, Lord! I don't understand! Part of me still does not want to pull my head fully out of the sand... but I have already peeked.... and I don't think I'm allowed to go back. Oh Jesus! I am so ashamed! I am so confused! I do not understand!

Open my eyes to see the pain; do not let these blessings you've poured out on me to be used in vain

September (or getting close)

Every inch of skin- exposed
Absorbing rays like a human solar panel
stale wind mimics relief
As sweat
drips
down my
back.

Outside- a rolling roar
Constant at-work play list with no batteries needed
Melting into the background
As the
tide
continues
to rise.

We remain mostly alone
Solitary safety beacons lifted off the sand
Lacking child-like screams and voices
For they
are now stuck
in their chairs
in school.

This heat, this surf, this time
Breeds insanity, discontent, and longing
Rememberance of days just passed
Of those days
that we
never appreciated
before.