Roller Coaster

I thought I knew what I wanted.

No, scratch that. I thought I knew what I needed. I thought I knew what it would look like as well. So, when it came along, I was so excited. The kind of excitement that keeps you up all night, simply because you feel like it might be too good to be true. I had the stupidest grin on my face for days; I was invincible. Nothing could, or would, touch me. I had no control; life was just flowing, plummeting forward, taking me a long for a joyride.

So when it was gone, I was devastated. I had been caught on that high, and honestly, I didn't think that it was going to go away so quickly. It definitely shook me for a few days... and I realized that I was officially emotionally mature when I could still function in my work and relationships even though I was sad.

Now the emotion has moved to a small corner of my stomach. It sits there and burns a little.. but mostly, only when I think about it all. What surprises me the most is that my idea of what I want/need/whatever has changed with this. I have so much more hope than I did before, and dare I say, more patience. (I don't want to wait, but I'm much more willing). Instead of being pushed back, I feel that I am still being propelled forward, into the future, into bigger and better things. I'm interacting with the idea of making a home and community for myself in my very hometown. I'm slightly more positive that I might be an attractive, interesting individual that people want to be around.

I didn't think that rejection (I don't like that word; it doesn't feel like it applies... It's so harsh... But I can't think of a better word right now.... I digress...)

I didn't think that rejection was supposed to work like this. Every time before, I regress into poor habits and negative thinking that counseling was supposed to eradicate from my life. But this time, that isn't happening. Maybe I'm stronger. Or maybe, like my friend Danny was quick to point out, this was supposed to happen for a reason, for me. There has been so much change within me in such a short period of time.

I find it all very interesting.. and I am very excited to see what the future holds.